That's now how it went!
by Kisoku no Yanagi
Summary: Group of crackfics and AU's and such. Very possibly extremely offensive.
1. The Fucking Thuggz Arc

**That's not how it went!**

Offensive language, racial slurs, and such. No offense is meant to anyone; if there are offensive jokes in this story, it is purely out of my interpretation of modern society. And stuff like that.

Fuck that and get on with the story.

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a big giant fox. And it was very cute and cuddly, as cute and cuddly as giant foxes can get. Everyone loved it, and would throw parties and have festivals when it came around, because it invited it's daughters and they would transform and there would be orgies and such all night long.

But then one day came along mean Yondaime Hokage. And Yondaime Hokage was mean. He was cool, and he was badass, but he was mean too; he thought it was fun to tease people. He pulled people's hair, and he spilled their juice, and he gave them wedgies.

On a fine summer morning, Yondaime Hokage decided he was going to tease the giant fox. So he laid a trail of Ho-Ho's, the fox's favorite food. And he laid a trail of them all the way to the lair of Orochimaru, Michael Jackson's adopted son-in-law twice removed by the third half-cousin.

But Orochimaru was too smart for the Yondaime; he ate all the Ho-Ho's and laid a new trail, leading all the way to Konoha, Yondaime's city where he popped caps into collars and picked up women for one-night stands. And at the end of the trail, Orochimaru put a sign that said 'I licked every single one, signed Yondaime.'

And the fox found the trail and ate them all and followed it. And he saw the sign. And now he was mad, because he knew that the Yondaime was the kind of person who did that. He forgot that his daughter was pregnant with the Yondaime's child, because he was badass and they were married and the Yondaime had the biggest penis in the history of Konoha so they were both happy.

So the fox stomped on Konoha. Because it was big. And even though it was stomping on their city, the Konoha-ens still thought it was cute and cuddly.

But the Yondaime was like, "Fuck that," and he got his friend Deat H. God to help him. And they tried to stick the fox into a mosh pit at a KISS concert. But the fox was too big, so instead they just tossed him down a big hole.

And then the Yondaime died of a heart attack from eating too many fatty foods, not exercising, and beating off ten times a day.

So the fox's daughter committed suicide. But first she gave birth to her son, who she named Naruto after the fish cake thingus because she was high on four joints of weed and a couple beers. And then she bled herself dry with a putting iron somehow, because this story's messed up like that.

And everyone hated Naruto because he was the bastard child of the meanest Hokage ever.

After awhile, Naruto entered Thugg Academy, where he failed miserably because he didn't know how to rap and he couldn't afford a handgun. After a while, after he failed the exams for the fourth time, Iruka took him out to eat ramen to try and cheer him up. Iruka was a medium level Thugg who taught at Thugg Academy.

But then Mizuki, who was as much of a Thugg as Iruka, but meaner than the Yondaime Hokage, tricked Naruto into knocking up his sister, but then Mizuki's sister slapped Mizuki in the balls, and Mizuki got mad at Naruto, 'cuz Naruto had a bigger dong than he did.

So Mizuki tried to bust a cap in Naruto. But that didn't work, because Iruka was dressing as Naruto for Halloween, so the two got into a rap fight. And Iruka was like, "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" 'cuz he liked Little John, and Mizuki was all like emo-rapping, because he listened to Linkin Park.

And then Naruto came back, and he was like, "What's up, my cracka-lackin' crackas?" And everyone looked at him like he was growing coke out of his ears, and he's like, "Whaddafuck?" and whipped out his dick and was like, "Skeetskeetskeet!" And Mizuki's like, "Aw, goddamn, I'mma go run for the fag presidency." And he ran away and actually did serve as fag president for a short time before he was impeached for having sex with Tony the Tiger.

So Naruto graduated from Thugg Academy because he got rid of Micro-Dick Mizuki, and he got into the rap group with Sasuke (who was an emo-goth fag), Sakura (who was a Beyonce-wannabe without the boobs), and Kakashi (who was a freakin' Thugg). And so they went out and got into gang fights and such, and they had fun. Well, actually, they were bored out of their freakin' asses, because they were only Thugg-fightin' with little non-Thugg kids. So they went up to Sandaime Hokage(who was an old pimp), and asked him to give them a better mission.

And Team 7 (Naruto's Thugg group) got a mission guardin' some old drunkard bridge-burner from other Thuggs. And so they were goin' back to the drunk's house, and suddenly Kakashi's like, "Getcho' shit outta here, niggas, I'mma beat some sense into these Thuggs!" And then two Thuggs pop out from nowhere, and they're like, "Aw, fo' sheezy mah neezy!" And Kakashi's like, "Dayum! Them are Thuggs!" And he blows up.

So Naruto is like, "Aw, shit man, we gonna die and they gonna rape our bodies!" And Sakura's like, "Yay, I'm not a virgin!" And Sasuke's like, "Well fuck that." So Sasuke jumps up and he starts singin' a Dr. Dre song, and the two Thuggs are like, "Aw, man!" And then Kakashi pops up and he summons Jay-Z and then the two Thuggs have their penises chopped off by a broken bottle.

And Kakashi's like, "Come on, my home dawg, you ain't tellin' us somethin', " And the drunk's like, "Yeah, I'm burnin' a bridge that Gatou made," And Kakashi's like, "Whaaat-? You stupid or something, you cracker?" And the drunk's like, "Yeah, I accidentally inhaled the biggest joint in the world," and Kakashi's like, "Fucking fucker."

But then mah man Zabuza comes along, and he's like, "You can't shine like me!" And he starts to put up the ass-woopin' on Kakashi, and he's like rappin' out an Eminem song double-time, and Kakashi goes into a coma like Prince whacked off on him.

So Sasuke and Naruto run up, and they start rappin' a Tupac song. And Zabuza's like, "Hot damn, dawg, you two are Thuggs!" But then Naruto tripped and inhaled like a pound of crack, and he goes off-key and starts singing a Pantera song while playing air guitar. So Sasuke's like, "Come on, bitch, get ya shit togethah!" And Zabuza's like, "Well fuck that, I'mma take you down nao!"

And then Kakashi comes up, and he's like, "Fear mah Sharingan, beyotch!" And Zabuza's like, "Aw, I'm fucked." And Kakashi acts out a Kanye West music video without special effects, and Zabuza falls off a tree and breaks a leg.

Then some fag in a mask comes down, and he's like, "What's up, bitches, I'mma take this fucker now, he stole two lines of crack offa me," and Kakashi's like, "Alright bitch, take him."

So then they go to the drunk's house, where they have an orgy with his daughter, and Naruto gets her knocked up, and she later aborts a kitten into a toilet in the back of a Denver Denny's. Then they starts to climb trees, and Naruto's like, "Yo, Sakura, how do ya get up that damn tree so fucking fast?" And Sakura's like, "Well, you learn stuff when you're a whore for three years," and Naruto's like, "Well fuck that, I ain't gettin' anally reamed by old men just so I climb trees using only cameltoe."

**TBC…**

**Credits to some people at NarutoForums for one of the ideas in the beginning, credits to the various rappers and such mentioned here, credits to this one kid who wrote an essay while high for the Denver Denny's line.**


	2. The Fucking Thuggz Arc 2

**That's not how it went!**

**Chapter Two of the Fuckin' Thuggz Arc**

Same warnin'.

* * *

Next day, Naruto just chops down the tree with his penis, and Sasuke's like, "What the fuck, do you snort Viagra by the pound?" And Naruto's like, "No, man, I snort it by the ounce," And Kakashi pops up, and he's like, "If you snort Viagra for more than fifteen years, your dick will fall off." And Naruto's like, "Awwww, no way!" 

So everyone but Naruto go off the day after that day to guard the drunk while he pisses on a bridge and lights it with a Gibson Les Paul as kindling. Then Naruto wakes up, and there are two metal freaks tryin' to kidnap the drunk's daughter for a gangbang, and he's like, "Fuck you, her ass is mine, beyotch!" And then Naruto busts out his mad Thugg skillz, and the two metal freaks are like, "Fuck!"

Meanwhile, at the bridge, Kakashi's fightin' mah man Zabuza while the mask fag's off fightin' Sasuke and Sakura and the drunk are getting it on. And the fag's whippin' Sasuke's ass, he's like, "You cannot harm me, I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" And Sasuke's like, "Well fuck that, you lame cop-off," And the fag kicks him in the nuts so hard he pisses out his nose.

And Zabuza's all like, "Your music videos will not work against me! I've got the powah of MTV!" And Kakashi's like, "Aw hell naw, you ain't gon' make me watch that for more than half an hour, are ya?" And Zabuza's like, "Heck yeah, I'mma gon' make you a fag!"

And Naruto shows up, and he's playin' a riff on a guitar, and Kakashi's like, "What the fuck are you doin' idiot, are you a Thugg or not!" And so Naruto's like, "Man, shut the fuck up, so I'm not rappin' right now, ya dillhole." And Zabuza's like, "That's nice, you stay there while I anally ream this muthafucka here," and Kakashi's like, "Damn, I'm already constipated."

So Naruto goes to help Sasuke, and the fag's like, "Don't 'choo know who ah am! Ah'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" And Naruto's like, "Goddamn, I can't skeet," And Sasuke's like, "What, did you forgot to snort your Viagra?" And Naruto's like, "No, I put on my undies wrong."

And Kakashi's back over there like, "Whatsay we have ourselves a little duel?" And Zabuza's like, "Honghong! I challenge you!" And slaps him with this dinky little white glove. And then they walk around, and both of them whip out 9 mm Glocks and start shootin' at each other's balls, but since both of them were Thugg enough to wear a ball plate, nothin' happens.

Back on the other side, Sakura came for the eleventh time as the drunk spanks her.

Sasuke's like, "Oh my gawd, Naruto's gon' die!" And he jumps in front of the fag just as he skeets, and he's like, "Ah! I was gonna be more Thuggish than my bastard of a brother…" And Naruto's like, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Like all blonde heroes have to. And then he's like, "Ridin' in my benzo, poppin' my colla, see some fine wenches, I have ta holla," And Haku's like, "Noooo! Not Dr. Dre!" And Naruto's like, "Haha fucker!"

Somewhere with the two big Thuggs, Kakashi's like, "Alright bitch, time to break out the big guns!" And Zabuza's like, "OKAAAY!" And he busts out an AK-47 and shoots off Kakashi's afro. And Kakashi's like, "Okay, maybe we put away the big guns," And Zabuza's like, "Okay," and shoots out one of Kakashi's gold teeth with the Glock. And Kakashi's like, "Ow! Eat this, muthafuckin' sucka!" And he pulls out an RPG and fires it at Zabuza and Zabuza's like, "Aw fuck."

And then the fag jumps in front of it, and he's all like, "Zabuza, sir, remember our nights together!" And Zabuza's like, "Haha! Haku has saved me, die bitch!" And he whips out a box-cutter and tries to stab Kakashi, but Kakashi's off preppin' a fix, and Zabuza joins him.

Then Gatou comes along, and he's all like, "Well fuck you too, Zabuza, I'mma kill you with my metal freaks!" And Zabuza's all like, "Fuck you, muthafucka! For Haku!" And he runs off and gets shot through the arms by snipers and then he stabs Gatou with a blade he tied to his dick.

So Team 7 goes back to Konoha after their first real Thugg fight.

Couple weeks after they come back, couple Thuggs pop out, and they's like, "Come on, let's fuck up Konoha!"

Then Sakura and Naruto find 'em, and them are like, "Hey, fuck you fuckers!" And the fat Thugg's like, "Right back atcha, wigger!" And he does this weird fag hand motion, and suddenly Naruto's like, "Woah, the room's spinning!" And Sakura's like, "What the hell, we're not in a room!" And the fat Thugg's like, "Haha fucker!" And the woman Thugg's like, "Fuck you, fucker, stop playin' around with these wannabes."

And Sasuke pops up, and he's all like, "CRAWLING IN MY SKIN THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL" And then the other Thugg's other Thugg pops up and he's like, "Shut it with that fag emo shit, or I'mma keel you." And then the Thuggs leave.

Kakashi finds 'em, and he's like, "Well hello there fuckers, I've nominated you for the medium-level Thugg exam." And Naruto's all like, "If I were a fag, I'd blow you," And Sakura's like, "Ah am gonna blow you," And Sasuke's like, "Linkin Park rulez!" And then everyone else is like, "How the fuck did this fucker ever become a Thugg?"

And then when Naruto Sasuke and Sakura are at the exam place, they're all like, "Hot damn, this place is jam-packed! We could have an orgy!" And so everyone has an orgy, and Sakura gets quintuple-penetrated everywhere, and Naruto anally reams some random dude.

**Someone tell me about historical inaccuracies.**


End file.
